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Oct. 10th, 2006

Answers? What answers?

I don't have them... Stop asking me for them...

Oct. 8th, 2006

Living the present moment

Yesterday I went the to perth royal show and had an absolute blast! I went with a big group but just chilled with Marian, Jith and Mel for the main part of the day and met with many random people throughout the day! It was so fun!

Lots of things happening! Food, people, performances and not forgetting SHOWBAGS!!!!! Hahaha! I think that is the main reason why I went... For the showbags! I love them! I love looking at them! We walked for the whole day but I only got one bag... haha! I used ALL my will power not to buy any of the lollie ones! hehehe! So I didn't spend so much money that day! The rest was on food! And the food was SOOOO ex! haha! U would expect it cause they capitalise on that... But would could not fall in love with carnival food?? All the unhealthy-ness of it! LOL!

I think the highlight of the day was the fireworks... It was the last big thing for the day and what a surreal experience! So close I could almost touch it and really not exaggerating RIGHT before my eyes! I don't think I've understood the present moment better then and there... Why? Cause when the fireworks started< I sat up and took pictues of them exploding! So in effect, I was looking at them through the little LCD screen on my digital camera... And soon my camrea ran out of memory and thank God it did! Cause while I was sitting there freaking out... I realised... Here I am sitting in front of this GORGEOUS display and not experiencing it properly... I was trying to take pictures of it to preserve the memory but how could I preserve it if i didn't experience it properly?? So I put my camera down and i sat there to truly experience the fireworks. I sat in awe for the next 5-10minutes as the fireworks exploded and popped in the sky creating a muriel of beautiful colours and shapes! And I felt to star struck and gobsmacked as I just stared into the sky... WOW... It really was a beautiful moment and the pictures will be temporary... but the momory will stay in my head for the rest of my life... And I am glad I sat back and really revelled in that present moment! :)

Oct. 2nd, 2006

Hitting rock bottom

The more I learn about myself... the more i dislike myself... ugh... Hitting rock bottom is the worse feeling in the world... I have picked myself up a little bit from there but now I know what it's like to hate myself... To really despise oneself... Like i felt sick at at myself and i couldn't even look in the mirror for days... I have dealt with it slightly better but now thinking about it makes me want to throw up and just makes me hate myself still... I have learnt my lesson but I am so worried that history might repeat itself... I never ever thought I would do such a thing... I have lost trust in myself... I'm a maniac... Should be shot... ugh...

Sep. 29th, 2006

Being a bridesmaid was supposed to be easy!

I thought all I had to do was show up and look pretty but everything has been left in the air and up to me to figure out and it gives me a headache... I look fat in my dress... My shoes don't match... I haven't figured out my make up and ugh... I am tired...
I was so excited and now?? It's a total anticlimax! I just want it to be over... I have been told NOTHING about the day itself except just to show up... and everyone keeps asking me what is happening and I'm like... I DUNNO!!!!! I am just as clueless as the next person! I ask the bride but she doesn't give me much information itself... I feel alienated and even though I have offered my help in whatever it is to ease the burden... U know?? Clearly it's not good enough because her friends are helping her! Which is great! Don't get me wrong... But being a bridesmaid... Don't i need to be kept in the loop?? I mean I'm supposed to not leave her side for practically the WHOLE day and so far... I still know nothing... I know I am supposed to be at her house by 8am... I dunno how i am getting to the church... who I should look for... when we leave for the church... I am worried! I don't want to end up running around like a headless chook!
Today there was a gathering and STILL i know nothing... ugh... it's just unnecessary for me to be feeling like this... I should be excited and happy! But right now I feel like crap... Ugh... And I look fat in my dress... sigh... *sob*

Sep. 24th, 2006

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The one with all the stress... Maybe I should have gone straight to bed... I have been home since friday and I only JUST got to use the internet cause i have been SOOOOOO busy!
I got home at midnght after being on my feet the whole day and it sucks cause my brain said... just go to sleep!! The internet can wait... But no no no... I would listen and i went online and ended up getting pissed off by EVERYONE!!!! Ugh... ARGHHHH!!!!!
should have gone to sleep... bleurgh....
To bed...

Sep. 12th, 2006

Dreams

I find it amazing how vivid they can be! It's scary and sends me into a total whirlwind! It's times like those that spin me out! LOL! And then u wake up and even though it was SOOOOOOO surreal, it also seemed so real and close... Like it really happened! I haven't remembered a dream in a looooonnnggg time so i guess that's why i had to put this in... hehehe!

Can't wait to go home!!!

I am so tired... I can't wait to go home! I am all excited! But it's such a draw back cause i'm gonna need to study while i'm there! *sigh* Oh well... good time to just go back home to my roots... Wedding... Bridesmaid... Family and friends... All but happy things to look forward too! I got the small suitcase of Ethan and it's only next week that I'm going back!!!
AHHHH!!! So exciting!!!! :)

Aug. 31st, 2006

Whoever thought I would be this traumatised?

After a relatively crazy break, I sit back and reflect on it... and initially I was extremely lost but not I have come to maybe not fully understand it but accept it... :S haha... It's quite weird when ur confronted with something that u never thought twice about! But I am glad that I have had that experience! I won't say the experience is over yet and I still have yet to ride out this wave but DAMN I'll handle it the best I can and pray to God that he'll help me out! LOL!

Besides that... I have been busy but thank goodness not as busy as last semester! This sem has been quite relaxing which I am thankful for! I finally got my life back and Michelle even visited me! I had the chance to have HEAPS of adventures and maybe meet some new people... hehehe! I see a light at the end of the tunnel!!!! YAY!!!

Today is Malaysia's Merdeka day and I am helping out the Murdoch Malaysia Association! I am performing a Malay dance! hehehe! I and I REALLY like it! I am intrugued by Malay dance... As compared to Chinese dance which is really... *Yawn...* I am SOOOO excited!! I will take LOTS of pictures cause I can't remember the last time I performed something! hehe! I am such an exhibitionist! But it was quite difficult getting into the clique... Of course out of 8 girls... I am the only chinese girl... And actually I was a replacement for a girl who couldn't make it... (Don't I feel special??) but it's cool... Gave me a chance to prove myself and to improve my bahasa Melayu! LOL! I think the girls felt a bit weird with a chinese girl doing the dance but they have grown to KINDA like me! I think... :S I told them I was Peranakan and I think they appreciated the fact that i had SOME sort of Malay blood in me... hahaha! But I am really having fun practicing and all!

Talking about independence days... Singapore's at the start of the month was AWESOME over here! I had SOOOOO much fun cause we planned a pot luck and it turned out to be a HUGE event and it was SUCH SUCCESSFUL night! People brought LOTS of food and everyone had a good laugh! I felt SO proud to be happy and Singaporean cause we all came together and really just enjoyed each other's company... Which is something the Singapore Link in Murdoch could never do I reckon... They are SOOOO in love with themselves... Sometimes I wonder why even have a society if ur just gonna sit there and look "Pretty"... But really they aren't pretty... Ugh... Oh and did I mention the TOTALLY infactuation with themselves?? hahaha!

Okie... I have to go and practice and prepare for tonight! HEHEHE!!! SOOO EXCITED!!!! *SQUEEEE!!!!*

Jun. 9th, 2006

(no subject)

I lost my favourite pair of sunnies today... I am SOOOOO amazing ly bummed it's not funny... And the worse thing is that it was all my fault and I can't blame anyone but myself... There's money down the drain... *sigh*
I"M SO PISSED OFF AT MYSELF!!!!! ARGH!!!!!!!!

Jun. 1st, 2006

I have mixed feelings about this having nothing to do...

I finished my last assessment on tuesday and tonight I realise that it feels really foreign to me... This feeling of having nothing to do... At times like this I miss being home where I could go out anytime and do something... Whereas now I am stuck in my room with nothing to do... I have done nothing but be voyeristic on friendster... I feel so BORED!!!!!!!!! ARGH!!!! I don't like this feeling... Like with assignments at least i had something to do but now I don't... No one is online and I am now tired! I am wide awake! *sigh* This better pick up... Thank God tomorrow night is gonna be full on otherwise I would just DIE!

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